There are no shortcuts to intimacy.
Whether single or married, men need to understand the key to fulfilling relationships.
By Dr. Dan Erickson
CrossCurrents Magazine October 2007
There are countless men battling addictions to pornography, living counterfeit lives of hopelessness and despair. My intent is not to add guilt, but to give hope. The answer to this addiction is a proper understanding of intimacy.
Behind every problem is an unmet need. Pornography is no exception. When we dabble in things that are not good for us or our family, we have to ask, "Why?" The problem behind the addiction to pornography is that men do not understand intimacy and how to express it in their marriage. It is much easier to experience a false sense of intimacy with pornography than to find the real thing with your marriage partner or, if single, among a spiritually healthy circle of friends.
The real issue is that when men think about intimacy, they think "sex." For many men, sex becomes a diversion from their own pain, disappointments, anger, hunger, loneliness and despair. Yet when it is over, their need remains.
Most men do not understand their wives’ view of intimacy. Generally speaking, women view it as a journey that will take time and will lead to a deeper sense of relationship and love. Intimacy in marriage may culminate in sex, but sex does not equal intimacy in a wife’s point of view. Real intimacy flows out of right relationships.
Someone has cleverly defined intimacy as "in-to-me-see." Real intimacy and right relationships are about you seeing into your mate and her seeing into you. If we follow this line of thinking, it opens up all kinds of possibilities. We can genuinely have real intimacy and right relationships with anyone: our wife, our children, a friend and especially with God.
Are you achieving true intimacy with your mate? There are five symptoms present when intimacy is lost. Can you identify with any of them? They are:
1. Silence. Intimacy requires talk that goes beyond the surface and transparency that brings self disclosure without rejection.
2. Self-centeredness. If intimacy is going to be maintained, the focus must be on others and not ourselves.
3. Security is lost. Intimacy demands a relationship that is trustworthy, open, transparent and free of deception.
4. Separation. Intimacy requires an emotional and physical presence. Both parties must have the courage to stay together and work it out.
5. Schedule. Real intimacy, like real relationships, takes our time and emotional energy.
There is hope. Following are keys that will help unlock the heart of a closed spirit and restore real intimacy and right relationships:
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Show tenderness through talk and touch. Voice your commitment. Listen, don't argue. Attempt to give appropriate and meaningful touch that is not sexual but is sensitive and compassionate.
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Take responsibility for your own actions. Recognize your offense, admit the wrong and seek forgiveness immediately.
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Restore the trust and give time for response. Allow time for trust to be restored. Be patient, for it is worth the wait.
I challenge you to do more than read another article. If you are married, go through this material with your wife. Be honest and transparent. If you are single, find a friend who will commit to you as a "comrade in arms" to help you succeed in the area of moral purity. It will be a battle, but it is worth the effort. I encourage you to let real intimacy and right relationships begin.
They’re much more valuable than any counterfeit the world can offer.
Dr. Dan Erickson, author of “Finding Your Greater Yes!” (Thomas Nelson Publishers) is chief servant leader of People Matter Ministries (www.peoplematterministries.com).